Pride

Sometimes people underestimate the value of writing. An expression which lacks the physical emotion that people want to express. I value it. I express myself in a demeanor which makes people empathize with me, relate to my situation, and appreciate a message sent to myself. It is not forwarded to anyone with ill intent nor is it meant to bring someone down. It is meant for me, and me alone. I want to be able to look back at these notes and realize where I came from and where I am a month from now. A year from now. Even 30 years from now. I want to look back and one day say to myself, "Man that was one hell of a ride". Then I will know that my writings not only stood the test of time, but also enabled me to to express my emotions which most people will never be able to see.

Let's start off with March. A month loaded with agony, pain, and discomfort. Imagine me at work stressed out working 50 hour weeks at wannado trying to make ends meat, and struggling to find a job with a purpose. I worked my ass off day-by-day, week-by-week trying to please everyone and their mom and to no commendation whatsoever. Welcome to the Life of Wannado City. Yet my pain is not from that. It is from a life-changing event which has altered my life forever. One day I get home from work, and my mother hands me a paper looks at me, and asks me, "What does this mean?". I look down, read thoroughly, and my heart begins to ache. It was my grandfathers diagnosis. He got cancer. My rock. My inner peace. The one person who told me to live my life to the fullest had one of this planets greatest enemies. A disease without a cure. Lymphoma. It's not something you can operate. I did my research and my eyes watered reading about it all. Yet I kept reading. I needed to know what it meant. I needed to comfort my mom, my grandmother, and my family. Still, no one has comforted me. They don't know my pain. They don't know my fear of loosing him. They don't know my frustration. Why? Because at that moment it no longer becomes about me. It becomes a mans struggle with life. A struggle which can very well end his life, yet he smiles. He makes jokes. Me looks at me and tells me to live my life because one day I might be in his shoes. He's Scared to death. He doesn't show it. He keeps his head up says he is going to Chemo-therapy, and winks in the process.

I'm not ready to handle something like that if he were to pass. I can't picture my life without him. Yet one day I know I will. My grandfather. As unselfish as they come. Buying me a car at 18 when I didn't have the money. The only person to never miss one of my baseball games will be gone one day. On the contrary, he won't be gone. He lives through me. I am his grandson, and I couldn't be luckier. No wonder he tells me to, "enjoy life for me". He knows better. He knows I value life more than anything in this world. He knows that I love him, and he knows that my life is better because of him. He made me the man that I am today. He taught me right from wrong. He helped me become one of the few "TRUE GENTLEMAN" I know. If that is a diss to the other guys out there guess what? Take it as such. Very few men can compare to me, and I'm not afraid to admit. I'm not the one out there looking to get laid or fuck any thing that has a vagina between it's legs. I'm better than that. Guess why? Because my rock kept me on a pedestal. He expected more from me than I could ever expect from myself. I live my life in his eyes, and when he passes on I will live my life in his memory. A gentleman who never let his character get the best of him no matter what society believes.

April. A month of desperation, hope, false promises, and new beginnings. This month was tough. Seeing my grandfathers first chemo session. Watching him cover himself at night knowing his life is on the line, and then all of a sudden a surprise cruise in the making. I underestimated the value of that cruise. It brought something out of me. It made me realize, "Shit, I'm way better than I give myself credit for". I met an amazing woman. Michelle. Through it all you are still a true friend in my heart. God blessed me to have met a woman of your character and poise. When things go wrong for you, you still manage to find the right words to say to cheer me up at any time. I love you. I really do. She made me realize something. I'm who I am and I have to live with it. I can't help it. This is me. This is exactly what god wanted me to be. On that cruise I let it all hangout. I danced all night. Made myself the center attention whenever possible, came back, and realized "SHIT, I did exactly what grandpa wanted me to do". Right before the cruise he told, "Have fun for me". Grandpa I never let you down. I had fun, and the memories in my heart are ones you will be able to see through me when you are in heaven smiling down on me. He would be proud of me. He would understand why I did why I did. He would even laugh a little because he never expected me to be the man I have become. No one does.

Everyone thinks life is easy. It's not. I know it's not. It's not easy being trampled time after time. Being brought down for not being adequate enough for every one else. It sucks being the guy in the corner watching everyone else having the time of their lives but I do that for a reason. It's because I am above them. They are not on my level. I look down, and pity the fool who thinks of me as being less of a man because I don't drink or fuck any random slut willing to give it up. You guys are disgusting. Anything that is that easy is not worth working for. I want to earn everything I do. I don't want the easy way out. I want to look back on this one day, and be like, "damn I lived my life exactly the way I wanted to". I will. I will look back on these notes and realize that my life was hard as hell. Then I will know I lived my life to the fullest.

May is a sore subject, and I am going to hold back as much as possible. Frustration sinks in. My anger wanting to burst out of my ears. My eyes wanting to bulge out of there sockets like a cartoon. This time I have no comment like that. I usually show anger but it's not necessary. I have no bad things to say. I met someone. Things went well. They end in June. That is all the importance that topic earned.

We cannot fully expect to be ourselves in times of pain. We can however rearrange our way of thinking. Not all the time do people have to blow up out of anger or demise. We don't need to put someone down to lift ourselves up. Here's why. I'm only 5'5". I can't make myself taller through expressions. I can however make myself bigger through my character. I'm one of those people who doesn't want the fame and fortune, or the Big house, or the perfect family. I just want to live. Just like my grandfather has. Keeping a smile on. Understanding that one day this will all come to an end. Appreciating the beauty we have been blessed with. We don't need to show anger or depravity, lies and deceit, or even lust and obsession. We need to show ourselves that only one life is granted to us, and we can only work with what we've got. Life is hard, and it is not easy at all. Yet look how blessed we are to be here. Alive. Breathing air. Sharing in the comfort of our loved ones. I appreciate my life everyday, and you want to know why?

Because living for my grandfather, and making him proud of me is all I need to live for. Pride. Now see if you can find your reason for living because I just did. I found my purpose in life.

Destiny

How do you describe Destiny? Is it real? Is it something that can be pinpointed or does it need to be completely interpreted in a different way? Ask me if I believe in Destiny? Hell yea I do. I believe in a greater power than us giving a new perspective on life and a way to turn our lives around. Destiny is not always good. It's not always bad. It's just something that gives us the opportunity to understand that we are living for something. That we do have a purpose. That we are meant for much greater than we give ourselves credit for.

Destiny took me by surprise recently. It shook the ground I stand on. It rocked my world. It gave me tears of joy, and tears of sadness. It picked me up when I was down, and brought me down when things were going uphill. We cannot exactly think of destiny as a blessing. Instead, let's think of Destiny as an obstacle. Something we must overcome. We have to make our own Destiny. Is it our Destiny to meet someone, or is it up to us to decide what to do after we meet that someone? Will it just fall through our grasp if we leave it alone, or will Destiny bring it back at the right moment? All these things have crossed my mind lately. I mean if it didn't I wouldn't have to share this with all of you.

I look back at the last 10 days of my life and reminisce on what has happened to me. I used to be the shy guy who would hate to be recognized in front of big groups. Yet on the cruise I went on I stood out like a soar thumb at a dance contest and everyone knew me since. I used to have a fear of rejection. Yet again I managed to approach an individual without any fear, and came out winning in the process. I used to have a huge fear of death. Yet seeing so many people around me a lot closer to death than myself I simply feel blessed to be alive. Was it my Destiny to see all these things so recently? To understand why I am Destined for more? Why I am worried about my future and not being adequate enough for anyone including myself? I'm not sure.

Steering away from the topic of Destiny a little something is on my mind lately. Someone. A person who does not need any introduction. Doesn't need to be commented on. Doesn't even need to know it's them yet she does. I am alive again. Everyone knows the struggles I have been through. From the suicidal thoughts, to the attempts to runaway, to the sicknesses plaguing my family, and even the economic burden I have placed myself under. Then she comes along. Not a clue what happened to me. No way to explain how I feel lately.

I feel at ease. I feel a sense of comfort. I feel like I belong, and I feel like I want more than what I have right now more than ever. I'm tired of living the life where I am still under a parents roof. Where the car payment, and my bills are all I have money for. Where waking up to a stressed out world just ripped my heart out. I want a miracle. I want something I have no control over. I can't travel 2,400 miles to start over because my life has just begun to start over with this great job I just got. I can't tell you guys that I am in the best position ever but it is pretty damn close. Now what? What am I supposed to do? Absolutely nothing.

For the first time in my life I understand what I am supposed to do. Someone told me that things are out of my control and they are right. Destiny is what is guiding me right now. I made my decisions. I know what I want, and I know how to get it. If destiny brings me sadness so be it. If it brings me my wish which I made 4 times in the past week then I am blessed too. Either way I am just grateful that I have had the experience of a lifetime, and one of the greatest life changing experiences in my life.

"We cannot forget where we come from, we can only hope we can go on from there".

Destiny. So strong a word yet so weak in its character. We cannot foresee the future and quite frankly I don't want to. But I do know this much. If I was given the opportunity to turn my life around...guess what? I would travel 4,800 miles if I had to just to bring it back with me. Thanks for reading.

It begins...

There are times in our lives where we truly understimate ourselves. Our belonging, and most importantly our inability to ever feel adequate enough for those around us. We feel complete, and wholesome, yet in the subconscious state of our thoughts we lose sight of our desires. The struggle to become someone we are destined to be glooms upon us, and we feel we can no longer accomplish realistic immortality. By that I mean that we will never be fully satisfied till all of our hopes, dreams, and goals have become a reality. Only then can we ever feel the sense of belonging, and accomplished state which we are all destined for.

Lately, I have begun to think about my life quite a bit. It's the best I have been in a long time. A year ago I lost everything I had. From my job to my girlfriend, my failure in school, my families health concerns, and my suicidal attempts. What the hell was I thinking? Suicide? Am I retarded? How could I let such a selfish act run my life, and put me in a position that would not only hurt me but my family and friends as well. People forget that suicide doesn't solve anything. At one point I thought it did. I thought it would ease my pain, cleanse my torture, and wipe away all my rough patches, and guess what? I was SUPER wrong. I was able to realize that suicide is the easy way out. It's the cowards decision.

Winners aren't quitters. We persevere. We understand that a greater power exist, and through the strength in our hearts we will move on, and things will get better. I used to fear my future. Now I embrace it. I want to raise a family, have a life, build my career, and find that perfect someone to share it with me. I will. A long time ago my great-grandmother before passing told me that, "the key to life is unlocking the door, and throwing away the key so that it will never close behind you". That is what makes legends. That is what pushes me to go further. That is what separates men from boys, and cowards from the brave. You know we are destined for greatness, and the one day that I die I want to look back on my life, and say that I was able to do exactly what I wanted to do without any restraints. So far I am on the right path, and it will only get better from here. Thanks for reading my first true blog. Many more will follow. Let me know if you like it.

Blog #1

This is going to be my first blog on this site, and I am anxious to see where this is going to go. I have written a lot in the past, and I think my method of expression through words is very good. I often times find myself writing off the initial topics so I will have the tendency to stray away from the topic of my blog.

I would like to welcome all of you who will be following my blog, and I assure you that I will bring you very good material that will not only make you think but also enhance your ability to fully understand the life of someone who has experienced and increased amount of hardship and trouble in my life. I will not steer clear of any truths. I will be clear and concise on my writings and I guarantee to try my hardest to keep you reading in a smooth pace. Once again I would like to welcome all of my followers, and feel free to share my blog with other because I will make this blog worth reading.