Pride

Sometimes people underestimate the value of writing. An expression which lacks the physical emotion that people want to express. I value it. I express myself in a demeanor which makes people empathize with me, relate to my situation, and appreciate a message sent to myself. It is not forwarded to anyone with ill intent nor is it meant to bring someone down. It is meant for me, and me alone. I want to be able to look back at these notes and realize where I came from and where I am a month from now. A year from now. Even 30 years from now. I want to look back and one day say to myself, "Man that was one hell of a ride". Then I will know that my writings not only stood the test of time, but also enabled me to to express my emotions which most people will never be able to see.

Let's start off with March. A month loaded with agony, pain, and discomfort. Imagine me at work stressed out working 50 hour weeks at wannado trying to make ends meat, and struggling to find a job with a purpose. I worked my ass off day-by-day, week-by-week trying to please everyone and their mom and to no commendation whatsoever. Welcome to the Life of Wannado City. Yet my pain is not from that. It is from a life-changing event which has altered my life forever. One day I get home from work, and my mother hands me a paper looks at me, and asks me, "What does this mean?". I look down, read thoroughly, and my heart begins to ache. It was my grandfathers diagnosis. He got cancer. My rock. My inner peace. The one person who told me to live my life to the fullest had one of this planets greatest enemies. A disease without a cure. Lymphoma. It's not something you can operate. I did my research and my eyes watered reading about it all. Yet I kept reading. I needed to know what it meant. I needed to comfort my mom, my grandmother, and my family. Still, no one has comforted me. They don't know my pain. They don't know my fear of loosing him. They don't know my frustration. Why? Because at that moment it no longer becomes about me. It becomes a mans struggle with life. A struggle which can very well end his life, yet he smiles. He makes jokes. Me looks at me and tells me to live my life because one day I might be in his shoes. He's Scared to death. He doesn't show it. He keeps his head up says he is going to Chemo-therapy, and winks in the process.

I'm not ready to handle something like that if he were to pass. I can't picture my life without him. Yet one day I know I will. My grandfather. As unselfish as they come. Buying me a car at 18 when I didn't have the money. The only person to never miss one of my baseball games will be gone one day. On the contrary, he won't be gone. He lives through me. I am his grandson, and I couldn't be luckier. No wonder he tells me to, "enjoy life for me". He knows better. He knows I value life more than anything in this world. He knows that I love him, and he knows that my life is better because of him. He made me the man that I am today. He taught me right from wrong. He helped me become one of the few "TRUE GENTLEMAN" I know. If that is a diss to the other guys out there guess what? Take it as such. Very few men can compare to me, and I'm not afraid to admit. I'm not the one out there looking to get laid or fuck any thing that has a vagina between it's legs. I'm better than that. Guess why? Because my rock kept me on a pedestal. He expected more from me than I could ever expect from myself. I live my life in his eyes, and when he passes on I will live my life in his memory. A gentleman who never let his character get the best of him no matter what society believes.

April. A month of desperation, hope, false promises, and new beginnings. This month was tough. Seeing my grandfathers first chemo session. Watching him cover himself at night knowing his life is on the line, and then all of a sudden a surprise cruise in the making. I underestimated the value of that cruise. It brought something out of me. It made me realize, "Shit, I'm way better than I give myself credit for". I met an amazing woman. Michelle. Through it all you are still a true friend in my heart. God blessed me to have met a woman of your character and poise. When things go wrong for you, you still manage to find the right words to say to cheer me up at any time. I love you. I really do. She made me realize something. I'm who I am and I have to live with it. I can't help it. This is me. This is exactly what god wanted me to be. On that cruise I let it all hangout. I danced all night. Made myself the center attention whenever possible, came back, and realized "SHIT, I did exactly what grandpa wanted me to do". Right before the cruise he told, "Have fun for me". Grandpa I never let you down. I had fun, and the memories in my heart are ones you will be able to see through me when you are in heaven smiling down on me. He would be proud of me. He would understand why I did why I did. He would even laugh a little because he never expected me to be the man I have become. No one does.

Everyone thinks life is easy. It's not. I know it's not. It's not easy being trampled time after time. Being brought down for not being adequate enough for every one else. It sucks being the guy in the corner watching everyone else having the time of their lives but I do that for a reason. It's because I am above them. They are not on my level. I look down, and pity the fool who thinks of me as being less of a man because I don't drink or fuck any random slut willing to give it up. You guys are disgusting. Anything that is that easy is not worth working for. I want to earn everything I do. I don't want the easy way out. I want to look back on this one day, and be like, "damn I lived my life exactly the way I wanted to". I will. I will look back on these notes and realize that my life was hard as hell. Then I will know I lived my life to the fullest.

May is a sore subject, and I am going to hold back as much as possible. Frustration sinks in. My anger wanting to burst out of my ears. My eyes wanting to bulge out of there sockets like a cartoon. This time I have no comment like that. I usually show anger but it's not necessary. I have no bad things to say. I met someone. Things went well. They end in June. That is all the importance that topic earned.

We cannot fully expect to be ourselves in times of pain. We can however rearrange our way of thinking. Not all the time do people have to blow up out of anger or demise. We don't need to put someone down to lift ourselves up. Here's why. I'm only 5'5". I can't make myself taller through expressions. I can however make myself bigger through my character. I'm one of those people who doesn't want the fame and fortune, or the Big house, or the perfect family. I just want to live. Just like my grandfather has. Keeping a smile on. Understanding that one day this will all come to an end. Appreciating the beauty we have been blessed with. We don't need to show anger or depravity, lies and deceit, or even lust and obsession. We need to show ourselves that only one life is granted to us, and we can only work with what we've got. Life is hard, and it is not easy at all. Yet look how blessed we are to be here. Alive. Breathing air. Sharing in the comfort of our loved ones. I appreciate my life everyday, and you want to know why?

Because living for my grandfather, and making him proud of me is all I need to live for. Pride. Now see if you can find your reason for living because I just did. I found my purpose in life.