Why?

Sometimes we feel the we are adequate beyond measure. Sometimes it's the total opposite. We all make mistakes. Some bigger than others, and some more inexplainable than we think. We crash, and burn. We go up into flames, and fade away like ashes. Is it possible to come back from that? Can we truly ever be happy? Or is that just a figment of my imagination. Living in a world where all I see is pain, torture, and suicidal thoughts. It's all I see. I'm made an attempt again last night, and another attempt yet again this afternoon during lunch.

It's nice to know that people still care about me a litttle being the ones that read this blog. I wish my girlfriend would understand. I wish she knew what it's like to live with Panic Disorder. It's an overwhelming emotion that controls everything you do. You no longer feel scared for your life. You look into the future and feel you have none. Your whole world stops. You want to end it, and you loose control. I have pictured myself running into walls with my car, putting a gun to my mouth, stabbing myself with a knife, and even attempted to jump off a building only to have some retard bystander pull me back in. I've been close people. I have scars to prove it. So now what?

I get an attack. Get angry with my loving girlfriend. One of the best things to ever happen to me, and I push her away. How do I get her back? Does anyone deserve someone like me? Am I really a bad person? Do I really need a "baby-sitter" like she calls it? I cried myself to sleep last night because I had lost control of my panic attacks. I ran out of tears, and felt dehydrated. This morning in the shower I cried again, and during lunch I ran out of tears yet again. I ask god, if there is one, to show some compassion. I have paid for my mistakes. I'm tired of the pain, and torture. I don't want to do this anymore. Please turn my life around or take it from me. but please don't have me continue to live my life in pain... I can't do it anymore... I'm holding back the tears right now. I hope someone out there hears my cry for help...

Been a while...

Staying busy is usually a good thing. It gives us something to do, and helps us to go through each day without any difficulty. Problem with staying busy is that we usually keep things boiled up since we can't progress or move forward. Everything becomes a job. It becomes our obligation. It becomes who we are. Why?

Yesterday I had my FINAL softball game for good. No more. No time. I need more time to focus on my job, and school. I start EMT on the 17th. Life is becoming real. I really like my job. It's a safe-haven from all the frustrations outside of these doors. We all get along, and we help each other out. Yet I feel like a pest here. I have asked for 2 days off that I needed, and a huge confusion formed. It was my fault. I should not have asked for the days off. I should have just told my girlfriend that I am sorry and unfortunately cannot go with her on her trip to Disney.

Life...

Check this out!

I have decided to make a new blog for 365 days straight just because it gives me something to commit to. Just like in the movie Julie & Julia. It may seem a bit weird for a guy to do this based on a chick-click but I couldn't help it. Maybe I get noticed like she did. Here's the site. Hope you like. :)

http://365self-madepoems.blogspot.com/


Thanks again for reading. Please try and pass this on, and see if I can accomplish this feat. :)

Complacent

Sometimes I sit back and wonder what I want. Do I really love my life, or is it just a figment of my imagination? What am I supposed to do?? I discontent as FUCK!!! I hate my situation right now. It's so frustrating waking up hoping for a miracle and realizing that it's the same dull life with a new sunshine, and sunset. That's it. I often times wonder if a miracle will ever hit me. Can it really come to someone who waits so patiently for it? I have waited, and waited, and waited like a retard. For what? For something out of the ordinary? The only thing out of the ordinary in my life is the same thing over and over.

When does this crap get better? When do we truly see the person we are destined to be? If I died right now I will have made no contribution to the world. AT ALL! I will just be another specimen who took up space, and cost the world 26 years of NOTHING! It's frustrating. Lately I have been thinking A LOT. Probably too much about myself.

Long story short I ended up in the hospital on tuesday with severe tootchache, and a stupid mistake of having Vicodin without eating anything. It gave me a terrible sensation that put me in the hospital, and even caused the nurse to have to inject me in the REAR. (Which hurt like hell). Then I started laying in that hospital bed, and things hit me. I wasn't crying from the pain but from the frustrations. I hate my life. I try to butter coat it, and think that everything will be ok but it's hard guys. I have literally cried myself to sleep like the last nights in a row. I have become another soul lost to my job, and my bills. Is this what life is supposed to be? Really? How come we have to work to live? Why do our ways of life become so important when it comes to money?

You know atleast I have something going for me. I have a great g/f. Atleast in that aspect I am complacent. Too bad she doesn't know I feel the way I feel in this blog. I wouldn't like to tell her that. She would tell me to grow a pair.

Complacent? I think not. I wish I was.