Why?

Sometimes we feel the we are adequate beyond measure. Sometimes it's the total opposite. We all make mistakes. Some bigger than others, and some more inexplainable than we think. We crash, and burn. We go up into flames, and fade away like ashes. Is it possible to come back from that? Can we truly ever be happy? Or is that just a figment of my imagination. Living in a world where all I see is pain, torture, and suicidal thoughts. It's all I see. I'm made an attempt again last night, and another attempt yet again this afternoon during lunch.

It's nice to know that people still care about me a litttle being the ones that read this blog. I wish my girlfriend would understand. I wish she knew what it's like to live with Panic Disorder. It's an overwhelming emotion that controls everything you do. You no longer feel scared for your life. You look into the future and feel you have none. Your whole world stops. You want to end it, and you loose control. I have pictured myself running into walls with my car, putting a gun to my mouth, stabbing myself with a knife, and even attempted to jump off a building only to have some retard bystander pull me back in. I've been close people. I have scars to prove it. So now what?

I get an attack. Get angry with my loving girlfriend. One of the best things to ever happen to me, and I push her away. How do I get her back? Does anyone deserve someone like me? Am I really a bad person? Do I really need a "baby-sitter" like she calls it? I cried myself to sleep last night because I had lost control of my panic attacks. I ran out of tears, and felt dehydrated. This morning in the shower I cried again, and during lunch I ran out of tears yet again. I ask god, if there is one, to show some compassion. I have paid for my mistakes. I'm tired of the pain, and torture. I don't want to do this anymore. Please turn my life around or take it from me. but please don't have me continue to live my life in pain... I can't do it anymore... I'm holding back the tears right now. I hope someone out there hears my cry for help...