Felt the need!

Just felt like saying hi to everyone who follows me. I have been a bit AWOL but its for good reason. Apparently I am trying to be a better man than I can be, and it's never good enough. I wish it was. I love this girl. She makes it hard for me to be myself sometimes, and she gets easily annoyed so I don't have much enthusiasm to write. Hopefully, I will be back soon. Man I miss this writing stuff...

Why?

Sometimes we feel the we are adequate beyond measure. Sometimes it's the total opposite. We all make mistakes. Some bigger than others, and some more inexplainable than we think. We crash, and burn. We go up into flames, and fade away like ashes. Is it possible to come back from that? Can we truly ever be happy? Or is that just a figment of my imagination. Living in a world where all I see is pain, torture, and suicidal thoughts. It's all I see. I'm made an attempt again last night, and another attempt yet again this afternoon during lunch.

It's nice to know that people still care about me a litttle being the ones that read this blog. I wish my girlfriend would understand. I wish she knew what it's like to live with Panic Disorder. It's an overwhelming emotion that controls everything you do. You no longer feel scared for your life. You look into the future and feel you have none. Your whole world stops. You want to end it, and you loose control. I have pictured myself running into walls with my car, putting a gun to my mouth, stabbing myself with a knife, and even attempted to jump off a building only to have some retard bystander pull me back in. I've been close people. I have scars to prove it. So now what?

I get an attack. Get angry with my loving girlfriend. One of the best things to ever happen to me, and I push her away. How do I get her back? Does anyone deserve someone like me? Am I really a bad person? Do I really need a "baby-sitter" like she calls it? I cried myself to sleep last night because I had lost control of my panic attacks. I ran out of tears, and felt dehydrated. This morning in the shower I cried again, and during lunch I ran out of tears yet again. I ask god, if there is one, to show some compassion. I have paid for my mistakes. I'm tired of the pain, and torture. I don't want to do this anymore. Please turn my life around or take it from me. but please don't have me continue to live my life in pain... I can't do it anymore... I'm holding back the tears right now. I hope someone out there hears my cry for help...

Been a while...

Staying busy is usually a good thing. It gives us something to do, and helps us to go through each day without any difficulty. Problem with staying busy is that we usually keep things boiled up since we can't progress or move forward. Everything becomes a job. It becomes our obligation. It becomes who we are. Why?

Yesterday I had my FINAL softball game for good. No more. No time. I need more time to focus on my job, and school. I start EMT on the 17th. Life is becoming real. I really like my job. It's a safe-haven from all the frustrations outside of these doors. We all get along, and we help each other out. Yet I feel like a pest here. I have asked for 2 days off that I needed, and a huge confusion formed. It was my fault. I should not have asked for the days off. I should have just told my girlfriend that I am sorry and unfortunately cannot go with her on her trip to Disney.

Life...

Check this out!

I have decided to make a new blog for 365 days straight just because it gives me something to commit to. Just like in the movie Julie & Julia. It may seem a bit weird for a guy to do this based on a chick-click but I couldn't help it. Maybe I get noticed like she did. Here's the site. Hope you like. :)

http://365self-madepoems.blogspot.com/


Thanks again for reading. Please try and pass this on, and see if I can accomplish this feat. :)

Complacent

Sometimes I sit back and wonder what I want. Do I really love my life, or is it just a figment of my imagination? What am I supposed to do?? I discontent as FUCK!!! I hate my situation right now. It's so frustrating waking up hoping for a miracle and realizing that it's the same dull life with a new sunshine, and sunset. That's it. I often times wonder if a miracle will ever hit me. Can it really come to someone who waits so patiently for it? I have waited, and waited, and waited like a retard. For what? For something out of the ordinary? The only thing out of the ordinary in my life is the same thing over and over.

When does this crap get better? When do we truly see the person we are destined to be? If I died right now I will have made no contribution to the world. AT ALL! I will just be another specimen who took up space, and cost the world 26 years of NOTHING! It's frustrating. Lately I have been thinking A LOT. Probably too much about myself.

Long story short I ended up in the hospital on tuesday with severe tootchache, and a stupid mistake of having Vicodin without eating anything. It gave me a terrible sensation that put me in the hospital, and even caused the nurse to have to inject me in the REAR. (Which hurt like hell). Then I started laying in that hospital bed, and things hit me. I wasn't crying from the pain but from the frustrations. I hate my life. I try to butter coat it, and think that everything will be ok but it's hard guys. I have literally cried myself to sleep like the last nights in a row. I have become another soul lost to my job, and my bills. Is this what life is supposed to be? Really? How come we have to work to live? Why do our ways of life become so important when it comes to money?

You know atleast I have something going for me. I have a great g/f. Atleast in that aspect I am complacent. Too bad she doesn't know I feel the way I feel in this blog. I wouldn't like to tell her that. She would tell me to grow a pair.

Complacent? I think not. I wish I was.

Intensity

Alright it's been a while so my writing skills might be a bit rusty. Sike! I've been waiting to write this entry for quite some time now. It's kind of like an itch in the back of your neck. The kind where you continue to scratch only to realize that it doesn't go away because the itch is DEEP within your skin. Normally I write about my struggles, triumph, and everything in between. This one is a little different. It has a different word to it. A word I only tell to people that need to hear it. This time it's one person in particular. A life-changing encounter which has spun me on a roller coaster of emotions which I thought were not possible. It's that word that needs no introduction but always results with a conclusion. The kind of essay you begin to write only to find out that you never get to the end of it. LOVE.

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies."--Aristotle

He was very accurate on this assumption, and I say assumption for good reason. Single soul? Two bodies? All in one sentence? Dude come on everyone knows it's not true. As a matter of fact I find love to be the oopsite. It should be: "Love is composed of two bodies inhabiting a single soul". Here's my reasoning, and you may object accordingly. Love is a two-way street first, and foremost. The thing is that every two-way street is intersected by another two way street. This might not make sense right now but just bare with me. Imagine this:

You're driving on a two-way street you look around and see nothing is sight. No buildings, no cars, not even any lights. Then you approach an intersection (in the middle of nowhere), and assume it's fine to just continue without stopping, and BAMMM you get hit. How is that possible?


Sometimes we think of a street as being two-ways but it's not the two ways you think they are. You see that opposite lane heading in your opposite direction is life. Everyone telling you what is right, and wrong. Telling you to do this, and do that, and date her, and don't don't her. What about at the intersection? You have the ability to make a choice. Do you stay on your own path with people always against you, or do you deviate into another route and see where that leads you? That's what love is all about. Taking a chance, and going somewhere that will take you where you have never been before. Remember you can always go back in the same direction but it's the route you take to gettting there that makes the trip meaningful. We are all going to die one day but it's up to us what intersections we take in order to get there.

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."--Robert Heinlein

Now imagine those two bodies meeting along the lines somewhere. Driving through dirt roads, cracked concrete, oil slicks, and detours. We all have our detours. Yet somehow we find our way back home no matter the route we take. Love is the union of two of those treacherous routes uniting into a one lane highway. Hence, one "single soul". Two souls on the same path leading to a destination which, like every other road, will have its obstacles. She showed that to me.

With all the struggle in my life for once I am seeing that one lane highway passing by me in the rear view mirror. the only difference is that I have a passenger in my heart. She sits there alongside me appreciating me for who I am , and not asking where I am headed. Only taking the ride as it comes, and come what may. For the first time in a relationship I feel a connection unlike any other. Not just a sexual and physical connection, but an emotional connection as well. we don't ask about our futures often with one another yet we are striving at getting better for one another for "our" future. We're not saying what we want to happen, rather we work to make it happen. Edith and I don't push the future, we let our future push us to be better as a couple as a single soul. Yes we indeed are two bodies but together we are "one soul". Guess i just proved one of Aristotle's theories as WRONG. Take that for philosophy.

Intense, huh?

"The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart."--Josiah G. Holland <---Now that quote I can't prove wrong, and if you're in love you know why!

Time to time, now and again...

Every now and then certain emotions linger in my subconscious mind. They suddenly spew out, and remind me of certain fears that linger deep below my skins surface. A place where the heart cannot see, and my mind cannot touch. A sense of absence from reality, and rather peculiar situation that terrifies me.

My thoughts. They drift into a vast see of inadequate dreams. I suddenly get scared. I realize that I have fears. That no matter how good things are, the reality is that my fears haunt my existence, and ultimately do take a piece of my soul slowly but surely. I'm terririfed of failure. I know it all to well. I see it come and go. It happens next door to me, the house in front of me, skips my house, and heads over to the other side of me. Yet I know that one day it's going to come knocking at my door one of these days. I don't want to be insufficient. I do not want to have to rely on people. I want to be on my own, and begin a new life without the everyday struggle to fit-in, and accomdate my schedule to convenience anyone but myself. I forget that.

I look back and reminisce on the times where things were terrible. When they were great. When they were regretful, and also unforgettable. I'm scared. I don't like talking about it. I cry at night when the urge arises, and my heart aches because I know that it's something that I cannot control. I often times find myself asking what the point to all of this is. Why the pain? The torture. The lack of inspiration which my great-grandmother so heavily bestowed upon. Then it hits me. She made me forget my fears. I look back and think about her. Holding me on her lap reading me my childhood stories. Caressing my hair, and never screaming at me. She would simply say, "Please stop", and I stopped on a dime.

People forget that we ALL have fears. Whether it be our inadquacies, or our biggest nightmares. They live on. They grow inside us like trees without stopping until we see how big it is, and decide to chainsaw it down. Only to realize that a cut tree is still alive, and can continue to grow. So why tear it down? Why not make it a part of the landscape, and accomodate your life around it? Why not say "Fuck it" and move on? I am trying it, but it's hard. Harder than I thought. Still I have to do it. I don't want to wake up one day, and say, "Shit, What if I would have done this differently?". My great-grandmother once told me, that I was destined for great things, and that I will make her proud. I'm not letting you down grandma. Not in this lifetime, and certainly not without a fight. People need to realize that no matter how bad you have it someone still has it worse than you. I understand that. Now grow a pair. Admit your faults, and try to overcome your fears. I did. I overcame the fear of being inadeduate, and you know how? By making a commitment to myself that I will live for someone other than myself. Someone who believed in me before I could believe in myself. I miss you grandma. This ones for you...

Comments now Available

Sorry for the delay guys I have been working non-stop to try, and get my site up and functioning correctly. You can now comment on my posts as a few have requested to do so. Thanks all.

Pride

Sometimes people underestimate the value of writing. An expression which lacks the physical emotion that people want to express. I value it. I express myself in a demeanor which makes people empathize with me, relate to my situation, and appreciate a message sent to myself. It is not forwarded to anyone with ill intent nor is it meant to bring someone down. It is meant for me, and me alone. I want to be able to look back at these notes and realize where I came from and where I am a month from now. A year from now. Even 30 years from now. I want to look back and one day say to myself, "Man that was one hell of a ride". Then I will know that my writings not only stood the test of time, but also enabled me to to express my emotions which most people will never be able to see.

Let's start off with March. A month loaded with agony, pain, and discomfort. Imagine me at work stressed out working 50 hour weeks at wannado trying to make ends meat, and struggling to find a job with a purpose. I worked my ass off day-by-day, week-by-week trying to please everyone and their mom and to no commendation whatsoever. Welcome to the Life of Wannado City. Yet my pain is not from that. It is from a life-changing event which has altered my life forever. One day I get home from work, and my mother hands me a paper looks at me, and asks me, "What does this mean?". I look down, read thoroughly, and my heart begins to ache. It was my grandfathers diagnosis. He got cancer. My rock. My inner peace. The one person who told me to live my life to the fullest had one of this planets greatest enemies. A disease without a cure. Lymphoma. It's not something you can operate. I did my research and my eyes watered reading about it all. Yet I kept reading. I needed to know what it meant. I needed to comfort my mom, my grandmother, and my family. Still, no one has comforted me. They don't know my pain. They don't know my fear of loosing him. They don't know my frustration. Why? Because at that moment it no longer becomes about me. It becomes a mans struggle with life. A struggle which can very well end his life, yet he smiles. He makes jokes. Me looks at me and tells me to live my life because one day I might be in his shoes. He's Scared to death. He doesn't show it. He keeps his head up says he is going to Chemo-therapy, and winks in the process.

I'm not ready to handle something like that if he were to pass. I can't picture my life without him. Yet one day I know I will. My grandfather. As unselfish as they come. Buying me a car at 18 when I didn't have the money. The only person to never miss one of my baseball games will be gone one day. On the contrary, he won't be gone. He lives through me. I am his grandson, and I couldn't be luckier. No wonder he tells me to, "enjoy life for me". He knows better. He knows I value life more than anything in this world. He knows that I love him, and he knows that my life is better because of him. He made me the man that I am today. He taught me right from wrong. He helped me become one of the few "TRUE GENTLEMAN" I know. If that is a diss to the other guys out there guess what? Take it as such. Very few men can compare to me, and I'm not afraid to admit. I'm not the one out there looking to get laid or fuck any thing that has a vagina between it's legs. I'm better than that. Guess why? Because my rock kept me on a pedestal. He expected more from me than I could ever expect from myself. I live my life in his eyes, and when he passes on I will live my life in his memory. A gentleman who never let his character get the best of him no matter what society believes.

April. A month of desperation, hope, false promises, and new beginnings. This month was tough. Seeing my grandfathers first chemo session. Watching him cover himself at night knowing his life is on the line, and then all of a sudden a surprise cruise in the making. I underestimated the value of that cruise. It brought something out of me. It made me realize, "Shit, I'm way better than I give myself credit for". I met an amazing woman. Michelle. Through it all you are still a true friend in my heart. God blessed me to have met a woman of your character and poise. When things go wrong for you, you still manage to find the right words to say to cheer me up at any time. I love you. I really do. She made me realize something. I'm who I am and I have to live with it. I can't help it. This is me. This is exactly what god wanted me to be. On that cruise I let it all hangout. I danced all night. Made myself the center attention whenever possible, came back, and realized "SHIT, I did exactly what grandpa wanted me to do". Right before the cruise he told, "Have fun for me". Grandpa I never let you down. I had fun, and the memories in my heart are ones you will be able to see through me when you are in heaven smiling down on me. He would be proud of me. He would understand why I did why I did. He would even laugh a little because he never expected me to be the man I have become. No one does.

Everyone thinks life is easy. It's not. I know it's not. It's not easy being trampled time after time. Being brought down for not being adequate enough for every one else. It sucks being the guy in the corner watching everyone else having the time of their lives but I do that for a reason. It's because I am above them. They are not on my level. I look down, and pity the fool who thinks of me as being less of a man because I don't drink or fuck any random slut willing to give it up. You guys are disgusting. Anything that is that easy is not worth working for. I want to earn everything I do. I don't want the easy way out. I want to look back on this one day, and be like, "damn I lived my life exactly the way I wanted to". I will. I will look back on these notes and realize that my life was hard as hell. Then I will know I lived my life to the fullest.

May is a sore subject, and I am going to hold back as much as possible. Frustration sinks in. My anger wanting to burst out of my ears. My eyes wanting to bulge out of there sockets like a cartoon. This time I have no comment like that. I usually show anger but it's not necessary. I have no bad things to say. I met someone. Things went well. They end in June. That is all the importance that topic earned.

We cannot fully expect to be ourselves in times of pain. We can however rearrange our way of thinking. Not all the time do people have to blow up out of anger or demise. We don't need to put someone down to lift ourselves up. Here's why. I'm only 5'5". I can't make myself taller through expressions. I can however make myself bigger through my character. I'm one of those people who doesn't want the fame and fortune, or the Big house, or the perfect family. I just want to live. Just like my grandfather has. Keeping a smile on. Understanding that one day this will all come to an end. Appreciating the beauty we have been blessed with. We don't need to show anger or depravity, lies and deceit, or even lust and obsession. We need to show ourselves that only one life is granted to us, and we can only work with what we've got. Life is hard, and it is not easy at all. Yet look how blessed we are to be here. Alive. Breathing air. Sharing in the comfort of our loved ones. I appreciate my life everyday, and you want to know why?

Because living for my grandfather, and making him proud of me is all I need to live for. Pride. Now see if you can find your reason for living because I just did. I found my purpose in life.

Destiny

How do you describe Destiny? Is it real? Is it something that can be pinpointed or does it need to be completely interpreted in a different way? Ask me if I believe in Destiny? Hell yea I do. I believe in a greater power than us giving a new perspective on life and a way to turn our lives around. Destiny is not always good. It's not always bad. It's just something that gives us the opportunity to understand that we are living for something. That we do have a purpose. That we are meant for much greater than we give ourselves credit for.

Destiny took me by surprise recently. It shook the ground I stand on. It rocked my world. It gave me tears of joy, and tears of sadness. It picked me up when I was down, and brought me down when things were going uphill. We cannot exactly think of destiny as a blessing. Instead, let's think of Destiny as an obstacle. Something we must overcome. We have to make our own Destiny. Is it our Destiny to meet someone, or is it up to us to decide what to do after we meet that someone? Will it just fall through our grasp if we leave it alone, or will Destiny bring it back at the right moment? All these things have crossed my mind lately. I mean if it didn't I wouldn't have to share this with all of you.

I look back at the last 10 days of my life and reminisce on what has happened to me. I used to be the shy guy who would hate to be recognized in front of big groups. Yet on the cruise I went on I stood out like a soar thumb at a dance contest and everyone knew me since. I used to have a fear of rejection. Yet again I managed to approach an individual without any fear, and came out winning in the process. I used to have a huge fear of death. Yet seeing so many people around me a lot closer to death than myself I simply feel blessed to be alive. Was it my Destiny to see all these things so recently? To understand why I am Destined for more? Why I am worried about my future and not being adequate enough for anyone including myself? I'm not sure.

Steering away from the topic of Destiny a little something is on my mind lately. Someone. A person who does not need any introduction. Doesn't need to be commented on. Doesn't even need to know it's them yet she does. I am alive again. Everyone knows the struggles I have been through. From the suicidal thoughts, to the attempts to runaway, to the sicknesses plaguing my family, and even the economic burden I have placed myself under. Then she comes along. Not a clue what happened to me. No way to explain how I feel lately.

I feel at ease. I feel a sense of comfort. I feel like I belong, and I feel like I want more than what I have right now more than ever. I'm tired of living the life where I am still under a parents roof. Where the car payment, and my bills are all I have money for. Where waking up to a stressed out world just ripped my heart out. I want a miracle. I want something I have no control over. I can't travel 2,400 miles to start over because my life has just begun to start over with this great job I just got. I can't tell you guys that I am in the best position ever but it is pretty damn close. Now what? What am I supposed to do? Absolutely nothing.

For the first time in my life I understand what I am supposed to do. Someone told me that things are out of my control and they are right. Destiny is what is guiding me right now. I made my decisions. I know what I want, and I know how to get it. If destiny brings me sadness so be it. If it brings me my wish which I made 4 times in the past week then I am blessed too. Either way I am just grateful that I have had the experience of a lifetime, and one of the greatest life changing experiences in my life.

"We cannot forget where we come from, we can only hope we can go on from there".

Destiny. So strong a word yet so weak in its character. We cannot foresee the future and quite frankly I don't want to. But I do know this much. If I was given the opportunity to turn my life around...guess what? I would travel 4,800 miles if I had to just to bring it back with me. Thanks for reading.

It begins...

There are times in our lives where we truly understimate ourselves. Our belonging, and most importantly our inability to ever feel adequate enough for those around us. We feel complete, and wholesome, yet in the subconscious state of our thoughts we lose sight of our desires. The struggle to become someone we are destined to be glooms upon us, and we feel we can no longer accomplish realistic immortality. By that I mean that we will never be fully satisfied till all of our hopes, dreams, and goals have become a reality. Only then can we ever feel the sense of belonging, and accomplished state which we are all destined for.

Lately, I have begun to think about my life quite a bit. It's the best I have been in a long time. A year ago I lost everything I had. From my job to my girlfriend, my failure in school, my families health concerns, and my suicidal attempts. What the hell was I thinking? Suicide? Am I retarded? How could I let such a selfish act run my life, and put me in a position that would not only hurt me but my family and friends as well. People forget that suicide doesn't solve anything. At one point I thought it did. I thought it would ease my pain, cleanse my torture, and wipe away all my rough patches, and guess what? I was SUPER wrong. I was able to realize that suicide is the easy way out. It's the cowards decision.

Winners aren't quitters. We persevere. We understand that a greater power exist, and through the strength in our hearts we will move on, and things will get better. I used to fear my future. Now I embrace it. I want to raise a family, have a life, build my career, and find that perfect someone to share it with me. I will. A long time ago my great-grandmother before passing told me that, "the key to life is unlocking the door, and throwing away the key so that it will never close behind you". That is what makes legends. That is what pushes me to go further. That is what separates men from boys, and cowards from the brave. You know we are destined for greatness, and the one day that I die I want to look back on my life, and say that I was able to do exactly what I wanted to do without any restraints. So far I am on the right path, and it will only get better from here. Thanks for reading my first true blog. Many more will follow. Let me know if you like it.

Blog #1

This is going to be my first blog on this site, and I am anxious to see where this is going to go. I have written a lot in the past, and I think my method of expression through words is very good. I often times find myself writing off the initial topics so I will have the tendency to stray away from the topic of my blog.

I would like to welcome all of you who will be following my blog, and I assure you that I will bring you very good material that will not only make you think but also enhance your ability to fully understand the life of someone who has experienced and increased amount of hardship and trouble in my life. I will not steer clear of any truths. I will be clear and concise on my writings and I guarantee to try my hardest to keep you reading in a smooth pace. Once again I would like to welcome all of my followers, and feel free to share my blog with other because I will make this blog worth reading.